Regrets

I used to say that I have no regrets. None. Ever. I was quite proud of that fact.

But it turns out that it was fiction because I live with my regrets, constantly, on a daily basis. And I am not proud of it. At all.

I realized this morning that every day I wake up I am semi-excited, anticipating the day until...I remember all the things that are weighing me down and then I just don't want to get out of bed. It's like I have a wagon load of garbaged regrets that I pull from one day to the next. Every day I add to that load so that every morning the pull is harder and heavier and more regretful. The only time I let go of that load is when I sleep because in sleeping, I forget.

The list of regrets seem endless. I regret spending money frivolously on takeout when it could have gone toward real food or paying a bill. I regret having so many outstanding bills right now that it feels like we're drowning in them. I regret wanting to pay a bill and then realizing I would have to scrimp on something else. I regret the years when my eldest two were little and how much of my energy was just depleted so that I don't remember those years with a lot of fondness. I regret the two years of utter anger and frustration when I babysat and lost so much control over my eating and health and emotional well-being. I regret carrying so much weight that I have so little energy to do things with the kids. I regret not having a vehicle. I regret all the things I started to do and never finished or followed through with. I regret hurting my eldest by my inconsistency. I regret I regret I regret.

THis is no way to live. I can't live like this. I need to release this burden of mine but I don't know how. God keeps reminding me that this anxiety I feel steals my joy and peace. Anxiety does nothing but hurt me. I know this. I've said to many people over the years. But it's keeping me on edge and on the defensive so that if a creditor phones or someone oversteps their bounds, I'm quick to react. For the worse, usually. I can't pay our bills. That anxiety is old; that weight is old. I want release from that but that comes from actually paying the bills. God tells me that He will provide and I have seen that happen over and over again. But He doesn't actually pay the bills outright and that's what I want right now. I also want the ability to go to DisneyWorld with the kids again and to take the youngest with us this time. I want/need good shoes. I need new contacts. We need a new van. I need. I want.

God help me. Please. I can't seem to let go of the past and all my failings as a person, a mother and a friend. I can't let go of the financial past and all our mistakes and failings in fiscal responsibility. I can't change any of that. I want to stop dragging this old wagon with me into the purity of the new day.

Making this a short one...

because my posts have been very long-winded lately.

I'm joyful, filled with joy, rejoicing in the fact that I have found joy.

I was trying to learn new things, new spiritual disciplines and trying to learn them by the month or months. But it was not working for me, mostly because I haven't truly learned to have joy. This I realized on our way home from camping this weekend. We camped with Andrew & Jacqueline & their kids at Sibbald Point Provincial Park. It was a good break from our routine at home and just a good chance to get together with them in a relaxed setting.

It was on our way home though, that I started reflecting on my spirit in the moment. I was feeling anxious, a bit depressed, nervous and just not happy. And that's when God opened my eyes to what I was sensing lately...that I struggle with joy, almost constantly. I also relaized that with all the things that have happened this year, joy and its counterpart, sorrow, are constantly at war with me and in my deepest darkest moments, that's when I need to find joy.

Joy is my theme of the year. It has to be. A few years ago I just knew the theme was healing because so much healing had begun in my life that year and broken or fractured relationships and feelings were mending. This year I have had significant events thrust at me that were beyond my control which created a lot of depression, sorrow and anxiety. I have a choice...to give in and falter under all that or find joy and with God's joy, move on and beyond all that.

Joy in Unexpected Places

So my washing machine broke. On the same day as our van. Not a good week. Or so I thought.

Now, we all know how I feel about piled up laundry.... it's a tad overwhelming for me. Having no dryer was bad enough and an adjustment, but I got used to it and didn't mind eventually. It did take more time and pre-planning however.

Fast forward to having piles of laundry, no dryer, no washing machine, no van (though that was brief) and no money to buy another washer. What do I do? Panic? Cry? Yell incoherently? Rant and rave and say "woe is me"? No. I actually tried to fix it. But it defies fixing unless we dump the thing upside down and do surgery on it and that is NOT what I'm planning on doing. If hubby chooses to do so, well, then that's his choice. No. I went to the laundromat.

While camping in Nova Scotia a couple years ago, we encountered a huge thunderstorm that lasted most of the night and drenched our tent and much of our belongings. We, rather I, spent the most of the next day at a laundromat in Truro washing and drying our stuff and I have to say, my experience transformed my previous thinking and preconceptions about laundromats. It was an immaculately clean, bright, cheery and most pleasant place to spend the day. Comfy chairs, wide variety of magazines, many machines and helpful staff for the uninitiated.

Having that memory in mind, I searched for the best place to wash my clothes that I could find. The first place was more like my childhood memories and though it was adequate and close to my favourite dollar and grocery store, I wanted to find someplace better. And I did. I've been back there twice now and would highly recommend it. The woman on duty was helpful and didn't mind showing me how to do things, there were lots of machines of all sizes and I was happy to know that my many baskets of dirty clothes fit quite nicely into the two biggest machines, saving time and money.

Joy came because I discovered that the semi-pristine state of the laundromat (or rather, the lack of kids toys, work paraphenelia and the cluttered state of my house), the comforting hum of the machines and the quiet soothed my senses and restored my peace in a way I didn't expect. Yes, I'm putting money into someone else's pocket and I have to load and unload my laundry but for now, I'm fine with all of this. It is 2 hours of enforced slow time for me where I can relax and be quiet if I so choose. The bonus of course is that my laundry gets done completely from start to finish so that when I walk in the door all that needs doing is to put it away. Joy.

Just When I Think...

That my life seems to be settling down...it doesn't.

We have been having ongoing problems with our van. We have put more money into fixing it in the last year than the whole silly thing is worth. This van worked well until the year 2006, coincidentally when it turned 5 years old. That was the end of our carefree vehicle days. Since then we have plugged thousands of dollars into this beast with so very little payoff. The difficulty lies in that we need the beast. It carries my husband to work every day and it gets us places when it decides it's in a good mood. When it's not in a good mood, look out!

The latest difficulty lay with both the transmission and the replaced engine. The transmission was rebuilt not that long ago. All felt fine, sort of. Then the boys went on their annual fishing trip and it was nothing but headache. So he takes it to the people who did the work. "It's fine" they say and top up the fluids. "It's NOT fine" says my hubby, gritting his teeth all the way to the camp. Hubby's father was also at the camp and since he has a personal connection to the transmission people, he made some calls and convinced them to take another look at our van. Which they did and where they agreed that "yes, there was a problem and it's now fixed." We, ever the skeptics, thought "we'll see". But surprisingly, it was fixed and worked well.

That was last week. At the end of week, hubby found out the guys who had worked (or pretended to work) on our van in the past were cheating their customers (surprise, surprise) and took it one step too far when they cheated hubby's boss. We don't like to wish ill-will on anyone but I have zero respect for businesses that are not straight-up guys and that will charge for any and everything. Hubby had already declared they would never see our business again and now a local business has declared the same thing. Our reasons for not liking them are many but the pressing issue was the ominous jolt or clunk coming from the front end of the van. These guys were supposed to have fixed the problem but apparently didn't.

So here we are at last Sunday. We had a great time visiting family for a much needed and much delayed family Easter get-together. As usual we were the last to leave at around 10 pm and I'm driving. It's dark out and everyone is tuckered out but happy. Until we are climbing a hill and the engine light comes on. Panic is setting in...you know the cold clammy feeling that starts out in the pit of your stomach and unless you hold it together you might just run screaming out of control somewhere. I pseudo-calmly ask hubby, who is sleeping at this moment, what light this is that just appeared? "What light?" spoken in a fearful almost panicky voice. "Uh, that one" I reply, knowing this is going to start a whole host of not-to-be-contemplated responses. "That's the engine light. That's not good" and a big big sigh. "I hate this van. I hate this van. I hate this van" is my rant for the next 10 minutes. Then I start to pray because as is my tendency, when push comes to shove, it is moments like these that drive me to my knees. God is my calmness and endless source of strength and He didn't fail me then either. I'm just praying to get home safely, not having any idea what could be wrong but knowing that anything that has to do with the engine light is never a good thing and is never cheaply fixed. Just as we are heading off the highway, the speedometer goes haywire and I gingerly ask hubby if this is a problem. "No, it does that." Oh. Okay.

What followed was a sleepless, restless but prayerfilled night and I was knew that God would provide and He would get us through this, just like every other thing we've been through. Since the next day was a holiday, we had time to think about what we would do, actions we would take and talked to my sister & brother-in-law who were a source of encouragement and prayer. The next day Hubby drove the van to work, praying all the way, and took it in to the mechanic right next to the guys we declared incompetent. And miracles of miracles, they fixed everything...the ABS malfunction, the engine light mystery (which turned out to be the cheapest fix of all that they fixed) and the "by the way, the struts that were supposedly fixed? Well, they weren't but we'll do them" repair. And though it cost us over $700 we were able to put it on the boss' tab with payments to come out over the next few months. And so for one day, all was truly well with the van.

Until yesterday. Now what? you ask. My thought exactly. Guess? It was the transmission's turn since the transmission and the engine seem to be taking turns failing us. The positive side is that since it is still under warranty this repair would be free (as the last one was). So hubby's dad came to the rescue and drove down to swap vehicles last night and took our van in this morning. And all that was wrong was a loose wire. Which they fixed. Promptly. Which was most likely jarred loose when they looked at it last week.

My gratitude today? That there is answer to prayer. God heard. I know He did. He put people in our path who encouraged us, prayed for us and assisted us as we needed it in the way we needed it. We still need another van for work since ours has more rust spots than is acceptable to the boss. So that is an ongoing prayer. I just am grateful that God cares about us. I still hate it when a vehicle becomes mysteriously off, when I can't trust it to be reliable any more. I fear getting stranded some where with no way to get it fixed. But God is in the present and I can not do anything about my future by worrying needlessly. God provided and He is good and He will continue to be who He is. I am thankful.

Rejoice in the Lord; I will say it again, Rejoice. Be anxious for nothing but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcend all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Feeling accomplished

Well, not accomplished in the "I just published something" or "I climbed a mountain" or "I performed a musical piece flawlessly"...no, not that. I accomplished something that this morning I didn't think I could nor did I feel like it. I did laundry. Yes, I know that is neither earth-shattering nor is it a WOW moment but for me, it was a huge hurdle I had to overcome. And I did.

My environment plays into my moods and emotions very much. I don't necessarily like that what surrounds affects me so vividly but I am coming to accept that it does. With that acceptance, I have to learn to navigate those moods and change my environment so the two work together and not against me. All that means is that in its simplest form, if my house is a mess and cluttered, then my mind mirrors that as do my emotions. I have a hard time thinking clearly, I get frustrated and angry more easily and my energy level is low. But when I get to the point where I can not stand being in this house, my motivation is high, my energy level is high and I'm driven to clean and order my environment. And as soon as I do, my thinking, my feelings and my spiritual state seem to fall back into balance and order once again.

So the laundry issue has been a problem. I never seem to finish the laundry. I get a lot of it done. But there is always some still left in the hamper or the floor or in some hidden spot so it is never completely finished. And that bugs me. I don't like things undone. I don't like projects left unattended or incomplete. Part of why is that I lose my motivation and then I have a hard time gettting back to it in order to complete it as well as I started it. So when the laundry piles up, I do what I have to but its always there, taunting me and making my environment never fully ordered. Its like little dust piles here and there. On the whole, the house may seem clean but I know there is dust, I know there is still laundry to do, I know I have little projects here and there that are not done and I hate that. And I feel unorganized and mind-messy.

So the fact that I made a huge dent in the laundry today is a good thing. The difficult thing is that with 6 people living, breathing, and wearing clothes on a daily basis in this house, the piles I washed today will be replaced by piles that are once again dirty. And so the cycle begins again. I realize on a very practical level that if I had a dryer, this might not be as big of an issue as it is right now...waiting for clothes to dry on a line takes time and patience. And that time means my drive weakens and my desire to get the laundry completed becomes overshadowed by the lack of drive. Ugh.

It's just laundry.

And yet it's so much more.

Celebrating our life

I am happy to report that I am feeling much better. Fantastically better, compared to how I was. Just an update...shortly after Mom Gill died and the funeral and that was done, I woke up and truly felt like myself....finally. That was a very long time coming.

Feeling better created such a spirit of renewal within me. I started on a spree of housecleaning and sweeping out all the cobwebs, so to speak, within the house and within me. I finished cleaning the main floor, began scanning all the photo albums kicking around my house and went through a personal assessment of my past and actually survived all that.

Part of this clean sweep process was evaluating myself, looking back into my past, into those things that hurt me, that I regretted, that I abhorred about myself and dealing with it. Truly dealing with it...looking at the event through more mature eyes and facing my sin where there was sin. It hurt and it frustrated me but through that process, God spoke to me. He reminded me that He loves me. Love, however, does not look away from sin nor excuse it nor does it sweep that under the rug. I have to deal with myself. As much as I like to run the other way when I'm embarrassed or humiliated or ashamed or just plain wrong, I cannot do that. Not if I want to live with integrity and not if I want to abide in God.

Humility and honesty helped clear up some issues with my husband and that was very much needed. There is joy in that. So much joy...and peace too. Our lines of communication seem to be more open ( I hope that isn't just my skewed perception) and we can deal with those tough and touchy issues without the cold shoulders and slamming doors.

Celebrating was a big theme for me the past few months. I craved to know joy and to understand celebration. That concept is not easy for me to get nor is it easy to implement on a day to day basis. But I'm learning. I am much more present when the kids are here, talking to me, trying to get my attention. And I'm learning to pay attention to their excitement, their joy, their moods. As part of that, I've started to celebrate their "birth" days...the actual day of the week they were born in. On that day, that child gets to plan whatever he wants (within reason) with either the whole family or just a parent. Snacks, a meal, games, park, craft...whatever they want, they can plan but not repeat too often. So far, I think it's been good, and even fun. The kids have taken it up and but need reminders a few days a head of time as to what they want to do. They like that they have the control but also that this day is much about them and what they like to do and who they want to do it with.

What I like about that is that it takes the pressure off me to plan things and then not do it. The kids take ownership of it, and we spend time together doing things that they always want to do but don't for whatever reason.

Celebrating...I'm learning.

And now, for the next few months I am going to be learning about the discipline of slowing down...not that THAT is my problem. :)

Good news, sort of...

So, I took baby girl, myself and slugger son to the doctor today. It took a lot of talking, I mean, a lot of talking to get baby girl to be calm enough to even walk into the building but she did it. I was proud of her, knowing how freaked out she was. And she did fine. Basically, she and her brother have pink eye and I have pertussis, a long lingering cough that will eventually probably go away. Baby and I had to get chest x-rays which was an adventure in itself but they were clear for both of us. So there you go. I will get better, the kids will get better and we will survive. And there is joy in that really.

Joy because I know that despite how horrid we feel and at times, it's pretty horrid, there is light past the darkness of feeling bad. I cannot imagine having to deal with constant pain as some do. I cannot imagine how those who still have hope and positive outlooks in the midst of pain still have those things. Except that God provides grace and mercy and joy. He really does. I am guilty of giving in to my more negative and yes, sinful tendencies. I give in because it's easier, for a brief, very brief moment, I feel better and cannot see past the darkness I feel to the light that's waiting just beyond my vision. I am impatient I suppose. If I could wait, wait on God to get me through, to push past the pain, I'd get there to where the hope and joy lie but I can't wait and I suffer.

I truly want joy. In this moment, I want joy. In general, in my life, I want joy. One of my sister's claims I am melancholic and if that's true, maybe my natural capacity for joy is limited. However, having been redeemed by God and indwelt by His Spirit that capacity increases exponentially, maybe even infinitely. If joy is at the heart of God, and I am beginning to believe that it is, then my capacity for joy would be incredible if I allow God to wholly and truly create and increase joy within me. Wow. That's a concept.

God is good. He is joy. And I am grateful that He loves me and cares for me. I am truly nothing without him.

I'm trying..,.

I am trying...but apparently that's not enough.

I have been sick since just before Christmas. Cough, head cold, sinus headaches...you name it and it feels like I've had it the past five weeks. At times I may have felt better but there are days like today that I've had enough. I can barely breathe or think and I do not know what to do anymore.

So I am trying to get healthy. It's hard to to get healthy apparently since I am not. And neither is baby girl. She's been sick as long as I have; we're probably passing it back and forth between us and with each pass, we're getting immune to the previous strain. Sounds about right to me. The only upside is that baby girl has a doctor's appointment on Thursday and I am so hoping that he will be able to help us.

Within the last couple of days I have also become aware of something very unsettling about myself...I am capable of bad things, things that are sinful, hurtful and wrong. It is humbling to realize this. I mean, I didn't think I was perfect but I tended to think that my sins were "forgivable" and really minor things that affected few if any people but myself. I was wrong and my pride was shot down in a major way this weekend. I was humbled, shamed and bad. Yet, in the midst of struggling with what had happened, what I had done, I realized that by acknowledging it, laying it out in the open and becoming completely honest before God, I could be forgiven. He forgave me and while I am still humbled by how depraved and sinful I can be, He still loves me and accepts me for who I am...not for who I think I want to be. Who I am right now, with all my inconsistencies, weaknesses and enormous capability to hurt other people, God loves me. He does, however, expect me to move forward, knowing what I know, being forgiven and cleansed, I cannot stay here, unchanging. God wants to work in me, change me, make me more like Him. He doesn't want me to be the way I am because it does not honour Him or glorify Him the way I could if I allow Him to have reign over my actions, my thoughts and my words. I so want that.

And so, that is what I am grateful for...joyful in the midst of the sorrow over my own sinful state - God is more powerful than I and yet He loves me.

Home

She's home...my mom-in-law is home from the hospital and she sounds really good. That is my gratitude bit for the day. She phoned me today and truly, she was upbeat, relatively happy and quite lively. I'm glad for all that...the test results come back on Friday so that could be a tough day but in the meantime...

I finally got my blood work done so that my specialist doctor can hopefully get it by the time I have to meet him on Thursday. And that is good too. It was a relief as was making the appointment for baby girl and her final immunization. All good things and I am glad.

Paid 3 bills too and that felt very good.

So I am grateful for all this and more that are probably too irrelevent to be shared here.

The Difficulty with Gratitude

I'm back after 14 days or so of abstaining from my blog. Okay, maybe I was being lazy.

For this entry, I need to find something to be grateful for but I am having difficulty with this. The reality of my mother-in-law's cancer diagnosis is hitting us now. It's real. She has pancreatic, liver and possibly lung cancer. It's real, no longer a maybe and something definitive needs to happen. Yet it's not up to me to make any of these decisions for her. She has to decide what she's up for and we all must abide by that. Grateful...I can be grateful that she has some time...we hope and pray. Time to prepare, time to enjoy the life God has given her, time to make peace with that life and peace with God.

I don't understand the whys and wherefores in this. I just don't. It's one thing that mom and dad died of cancer. They knew God, they loved Him and were assured of where their place was after death. But now? She needs God. She needs to find peace and comfort...but what do you do when she doesn't think she needs any of those things?

I'm grateful for my doctor and his care. I went to see him today, mostly b/c this cough has been dragging on for 3 weeks now and it just needs to go. I'm tired of it and it tires me out. So he gave me an inhaler which I've never used before and am not convinced I even used it properly tonite. However, my doctor is interested in my well-being and I appreciate that. He also wants and needs to know the exact nature of my parents cancer so he can ensure I get the proper screenings if one of the cancers is genetically passed on. 

I am grateful that we don't have to pay for healthcare, at least the basics of healthcare. I wouldn't be doing any of these tests for my arthritis or discussing things with the doc if I had to pay for it. so I am grateful for that.

So there you go...guess it wasn't as hard to post about gratitude as I thought it might be.

Game Playing

Today's blog about gratitude is an easy one...playing a board game with my family. I am grateful that the kids want to play games with their parents; I am thankful that husband likes to play with his kids and I am glad that these game playing nights don't end in hot tempers and fist fights.

Today it was Daddy's pick for game night and as is his usual method of picking, he went around the room asking what everyone's favourite game was. Despite the two very vocal picks for the new Disney DVD Pictionary game we were given for Christmas, Daddy picked CandyLand. Yes, Candy Land which sent Baby Girl into fits of "Yeah! Yeah that's my game!"

I have never played this game. I have heard plenty about it, particularly from a former good friend of mine whose girls absolutely, utterly loved this game. Not knowing anything about it, I think I was expecting far more from this game than the simplified Snakes & Ladders game that it was. I do wonder what the appeal is but then, I am not a 4 year old girl so there you go...you just go with the flow.

The first round, and we usually only play one round on game nights, we played the standard way. This was fine and was probably made even more exciting by the periodic chucking of jelly bellies at the kids by Daddy. Well, Daddy won and since there were plenty of jelly bellies left, we decided to play again. I highly recommend this second, more challenging way to play, unless of course, you are against candy (but then you probably shouldn't play this game at all since the whole board is one huge reminder of all the candy you don't have readily available to munch on). We each were given three jelly bellies of the same colour and one of these three went on the start space. Play is the same as the standard rules with the following twists: if someone lands on your space, he/she gets to eat your jelly belly and you have to put one from your stash back on the start space. This happened so much to me that the game had barely begun and I was down to my last jelly belly already. The second twist was that if you landed on a licorice space, not only did you miss a turn (as per the rules) you also had to eat your jelly belly, thereby losing another from your stash. When your stash is gone and the last of your jelly bellies in play gets eaten, YOU ARE DONE, game over for you, fini, adios.

Baby Girl had all her stash eaten and she was the only one that actually had to be out of the game this way. She didn't cry which was a change since she hates to lose. And it was a lot of fun. This way of playing the game was hilarious and the kids had a great time. And that is why I made it my reason for being grateful today.