I'm trying..,.

I am trying...but apparently that's not enough.

I have been sick since just before Christmas. Cough, head cold, sinus headaches...you name it and it feels like I've had it the past five weeks. At times I may have felt better but there are days like today that I've had enough. I can barely breathe or think and I do not know what to do anymore.

So I am trying to get healthy. It's hard to to get healthy apparently since I am not. And neither is baby girl. She's been sick as long as I have; we're probably passing it back and forth between us and with each pass, we're getting immune to the previous strain. Sounds about right to me. The only upside is that baby girl has a doctor's appointment on Thursday and I am so hoping that he will be able to help us.

Within the last couple of days I have also become aware of something very unsettling about myself...I am capable of bad things, things that are sinful, hurtful and wrong. It is humbling to realize this. I mean, I didn't think I was perfect but I tended to think that my sins were "forgivable" and really minor things that affected few if any people but myself. I was wrong and my pride was shot down in a major way this weekend. I was humbled, shamed and bad. Yet, in the midst of struggling with what had happened, what I had done, I realized that by acknowledging it, laying it out in the open and becoming completely honest before God, I could be forgiven. He forgave me and while I am still humbled by how depraved and sinful I can be, He still loves me and accepts me for who I am...not for who I think I want to be. Who I am right now, with all my inconsistencies, weaknesses and enormous capability to hurt other people, God loves me. He does, however, expect me to move forward, knowing what I know, being forgiven and cleansed, I cannot stay here, unchanging. God wants to work in me, change me, make me more like Him. He doesn't want me to be the way I am because it does not honour Him or glorify Him the way I could if I allow Him to have reign over my actions, my thoughts and my words. I so want that.

And so, that is what I am grateful for...joyful in the midst of the sorrow over my own sinful state - God is more powerful than I and yet He loves me.