Regrets

I used to say that I have no regrets. None. Ever. I was quite proud of that fact.

But it turns out that it was fiction because I live with my regrets, constantly, on a daily basis. And I am not proud of it. At all.

I realized this morning that every day I wake up I am semi-excited, anticipating the day until...I remember all the things that are weighing me down and then I just don't want to get out of bed. It's like I have a wagon load of garbaged regrets that I pull from one day to the next. Every day I add to that load so that every morning the pull is harder and heavier and more regretful. The only time I let go of that load is when I sleep because in sleeping, I forget.

The list of regrets seem endless. I regret spending money frivolously on takeout when it could have gone toward real food or paying a bill. I regret having so many outstanding bills right now that it feels like we're drowning in them. I regret wanting to pay a bill and then realizing I would have to scrimp on something else. I regret the years when my eldest two were little and how much of my energy was just depleted so that I don't remember those years with a lot of fondness. I regret the two years of utter anger and frustration when I babysat and lost so much control over my eating and health and emotional well-being. I regret carrying so much weight that I have so little energy to do things with the kids. I regret not having a vehicle. I regret all the things I started to do and never finished or followed through with. I regret hurting my eldest by my inconsistency. I regret I regret I regret.

THis is no way to live. I can't live like this. I need to release this burden of mine but I don't know how. God keeps reminding me that this anxiety I feel steals my joy and peace. Anxiety does nothing but hurt me. I know this. I've said to many people over the years. But it's keeping me on edge and on the defensive so that if a creditor phones or someone oversteps their bounds, I'm quick to react. For the worse, usually. I can't pay our bills. That anxiety is old; that weight is old. I want release from that but that comes from actually paying the bills. God tells me that He will provide and I have seen that happen over and over again. But He doesn't actually pay the bills outright and that's what I want right now. I also want the ability to go to DisneyWorld with the kids again and to take the youngest with us this time. I want/need good shoes. I need new contacts. We need a new van. I need. I want.

God help me. Please. I can't seem to let go of the past and all my failings as a person, a mother and a friend. I can't let go of the financial past and all our mistakes and failings in fiscal responsibility. I can't change any of that. I want to stop dragging this old wagon with me into the purity of the new day.