So, I took baby girl, myself and slugger son to the doctor today. It took a lot of talking, I mean, a lot of talking to get baby girl to be calm enough to even walk into the building but she did it. I was proud of her, knowing how freaked out she was. And she did fine. Basically, she and her brother have pink eye and I have pertussis, a long lingering cough that will eventually probably go away. Baby and I had to get chest x-rays which was an adventure in itself but they were clear for both of us. So there you go. I will get better, the kids will get better and we will survive. And there is joy in that really.
Joy because I know that despite how horrid we feel and at times, it's pretty horrid, there is light past the darkness of feeling bad. I cannot imagine having to deal with constant pain as some do. I cannot imagine how those who still have hope and positive outlooks in the midst of pain still have those things. Except that God provides grace and mercy and joy. He really does. I am guilty of giving in to my more negative and yes, sinful tendencies. I give in because it's easier, for a brief, very brief moment, I feel better and cannot see past the darkness I feel to the light that's waiting just beyond my vision. I am impatient I suppose. If I could wait, wait on God to get me through, to push past the pain, I'd get there to where the hope and joy lie but I can't wait and I suffer.
I truly want joy. In this moment, I want joy. In general, in my life, I want joy. One of my sister's claims I am melancholic and if that's true, maybe my natural capacity for joy is limited. However, having been redeemed by God and indwelt by His Spirit that capacity increases exponentially, maybe even infinitely. If joy is at the heart of God, and I am beginning to believe that it is, then my capacity for joy would be incredible if I allow God to wholly and truly create and increase joy within me. Wow. That's a concept.
God is good. He is joy. And I am grateful that He loves me and cares for me. I am truly nothing without him.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
I'm trying..,.
I am trying...but apparently that's not enough.
I have been sick since just before Christmas. Cough, head cold, sinus headaches...you name it and it feels like I've had it the past five weeks. At times I may have felt better but there are days like today that I've had enough. I can barely breathe or think and I do not know what to do anymore.
So I am trying to get healthy. It's hard to to get healthy apparently since I am not. And neither is baby girl. She's been sick as long as I have; we're probably passing it back and forth between us and with each pass, we're getting immune to the previous strain. Sounds about right to me. The only upside is that baby girl has a doctor's appointment on Thursday and I am so hoping that he will be able to help us.
Within the last couple of days I have also become aware of something very unsettling about myself...I am capable of bad things, things that are sinful, hurtful and wrong. It is humbling to realize this. I mean, I didn't think I was perfect but I tended to think that my sins were "forgivable" and really minor things that affected few if any people but myself. I was wrong and my pride was shot down in a major way this weekend. I was humbled, shamed and bad. Yet, in the midst of struggling with what had happened, what I had done, I realized that by acknowledging it, laying it out in the open and becoming completely honest before God, I could be forgiven. He forgave me and while I am still humbled by how depraved and sinful I can be, He still loves me and accepts me for who I am...not for who I think I want to be. Who I am right now, with all my inconsistencies, weaknesses and enormous capability to hurt other people, God loves me. He does, however, expect me to move forward, knowing what I know, being forgiven and cleansed, I cannot stay here, unchanging. God wants to work in me, change me, make me more like Him. He doesn't want me to be the way I am because it does not honour Him or glorify Him the way I could if I allow Him to have reign over my actions, my thoughts and my words. I so want that.
And so, that is what I am grateful for...joyful in the midst of the sorrow over my own sinful state - God is more powerful than I and yet He loves me.
I have been sick since just before Christmas. Cough, head cold, sinus headaches...you name it and it feels like I've had it the past five weeks. At times I may have felt better but there are days like today that I've had enough. I can barely breathe or think and I do not know what to do anymore.
So I am trying to get healthy. It's hard to to get healthy apparently since I am not. And neither is baby girl. She's been sick as long as I have; we're probably passing it back and forth between us and with each pass, we're getting immune to the previous strain. Sounds about right to me. The only upside is that baby girl has a doctor's appointment on Thursday and I am so hoping that he will be able to help us.
Within the last couple of days I have also become aware of something very unsettling about myself...I am capable of bad things, things that are sinful, hurtful and wrong. It is humbling to realize this. I mean, I didn't think I was perfect but I tended to think that my sins were "forgivable" and really minor things that affected few if any people but myself. I was wrong and my pride was shot down in a major way this weekend. I was humbled, shamed and bad. Yet, in the midst of struggling with what had happened, what I had done, I realized that by acknowledging it, laying it out in the open and becoming completely honest before God, I could be forgiven. He forgave me and while I am still humbled by how depraved and sinful I can be, He still loves me and accepts me for who I am...not for who I think I want to be. Who I am right now, with all my inconsistencies, weaknesses and enormous capability to hurt other people, God loves me. He does, however, expect me to move forward, knowing what I know, being forgiven and cleansed, I cannot stay here, unchanging. God wants to work in me, change me, make me more like Him. He doesn't want me to be the way I am because it does not honour Him or glorify Him the way I could if I allow Him to have reign over my actions, my thoughts and my words. I so want that.
And so, that is what I am grateful for...joyful in the midst of the sorrow over my own sinful state - God is more powerful than I and yet He loves me.
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